I had been bracing myself all morning for the news. Trying to stay busy, to keep my mind occupied at work. When the call came, I missed it. The case worker was in court all day so she just sent the news in a text. The text message was soon followed by a call from the biological parents asking what time they could come pick up Jacob.
Just like that, in the same unexpected disruptive way he entered our lives, Jacob would be leaving our family. There was no way to truly prepare for either event. Some things in life just happen. You have to carry on as best you can when they do.
But why did this leaving, this tearing away have to happen on the same day my father was torn from our lives nine years ago? And why did any of this have to happen so close to Christmas? When the words “Holly, Jolly”, “Joy” and “Peace” are unavoidable. The cheerful disposition and eternally optimistic outlook is expected?
Life goes on no matter who or what dies. The living, those with their hearts still beating, those who feel the fresh air in their lungs, we must continue to live.
But how?
After we received the news about Jacob, I stood in a room full of toys that we had been trying to sort into boxes just moments before. I'd lost my place. It was time for me to go pick up all the kids and somehow explain to them that this little boy they had adopted into their hearts as their brother, would not be living in our home anymore. Somehow, I have to explain to a little boy that I’m not “real” mommy, and he’s not “real” daddy and you have a new home, but it’s your old home.
Somehow, I have to recover and keep a brave face when the little boy stops us in the middle of our muddled explanation to say, “I miss you.”
I miss you too.
That night I went to bed early and could feel my heart beating up in my throat. Upset is what I was, but not in an angry way. Upset in a sad and grieving way. I sat up and opened the Bible that sits next to my bed. I opened up the book, and my heart to the Word of God. I was ready to hear from Him.
I really had one hard question, “Lord, we were supposed to receive this news last week. Why did it have to be today? Lord, I trust in You but this is hurtful. This is hard.”
Then I read about Jacob in Genesis 28. He was on the run until sundown, laid his head on a rock and tried to rest. While Jacob rested, God opened up Heaven in his dreams to remind him of two things a child of God must never forget.
1.) No matter the date on the calendar, no matter the season, no matter what you're running from or what you’re running towards. Whether in the blinding dawn of new life or the dark shadow of death. God says to His child, “I am the Lord Almighty.”
“And he dreamed, and behold, there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven. And behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it! And behold, the Lord stood above it and said, “I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac.” Genesis 28:12-13
2.) "I am with you."
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15
There in our room, I could feel the reassuring presence of the Lord. I remembered how He had surrounded our family as we said goodbye to dad. How He had carried us through the last two-and-a-half years and the last few hours of this foster journey. I know that He holds the future of Tiny Human in His hands.
The Joy of knowing Jesus, the Peace He brings moved me to anticipate the celebration of His birth in a much deeper way. Emmanuel God with us. At all times, in all seasons, through celebration and grief. He is my hope, my strength my song. The lifter of my head.
"Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If God will be with me and will keep me on this journey that I take, and will give me food to eat and garments to wear, and I return to my father's house in safety, then the Lord will be my God." Genesis 28:20-21
